Sorry

"I'm sorry" she said, her eyes downcast "I never wanted to make you feel like this. I know I've been acting like a fucking stupid. I overthought things, as always"

He just stood there unmoved with a cynical look "I just don't think you say this because you mean it, it's just another of your ways to make me pay attention to you"

That one hurt. Maybe he was right, maybe she just wanted that he spoke to her again, to be back at the times they had fun and pretend nothing of this has happened at all but no, a part of her probably felt like that, but she knew it was too late, that as usual she had fucked it up once again.

"Listen, I'm not gonna bother you anymore. Keep your way and I'll go on my own bussines. I'll not even look at you if you don't want me to, I'll stay far from you. I'm truly sorry for all of this, and maybe some part of me still would want to be near you but I couldn't live with myself knowing I'm making someone feel uncomfortable, that I'm hurting someone. That is the last thing I want. Just....take care of yourself please, and don't feel bad because of this, it hasn't been your fault at all, it was all my mistake. Be happy, please"

And with that she turned away. She would never look back, she didn't mind what he thought of her anymore. She just wanted him to be happy and knew that she was an impediment for him to do so.
So she left.

However she could never take him out of her heart.
But that is a secret she would never tell anyone.

Moments

Life is made up of little moments,
of feelings that sparkle like shining, beautiful crystals, gems.
It's quartz, moonstone, amethyst.

There are exact, precise moments that get recorded in our heart forever,
Not in our mind, never in our minds,  always in our hearts, we can remember them in a way, when you get a feeling, and you know you've felt like that before and say 'oh my gods, this is like that time'; that's how we remember;
By scents, by sounds.

Tonight, listening again to 'Atmósfera' podcast, the best radio program right now in any spanish radio frequency.
Hearing again Niet!'s concert, and 'Atmósfera expansiva' the last hour in session of it.

I lay down, outside, and clearly remember the first night I listened to it;
laying on a rooftop, on the floor, looking up at the night sky, at the incommensurable, at the shining stars that may or may not be dead already.

The coldness, the dampness in the air;
my beloved bunny, little ball of fur cleaning himself in the dark, almost giving me a heart attack because I couldn't see clearly what was there, and how his movements fitted so well with Ott's 'Billy the kid strikes back' song.
Hearing for the first time Tom Middleton's 'Lament'
The feeling of peace this sounds bring to me back again.

Remembering through senses, and not through any logical part of my brain.

Focusing in myself, coming back to my centre, as the very small creature I am in the vastfulness of the Universe.

Life is made of moments like this,
even if we sometimes forget it.